The Truth About Me And You

My heart was just too big and full of hope to see the truth back then. I was a 19 year old girl with the mindset of a grown woman and the heart of a child, who stumbled upon a 19 year old boy with so much potential. Now I write with the half of my heart that’s left, the other belongs to a man that wears lighter eyes than yours but the same shaped mouth, I always did have a way of seeing you as what you could be and not what you actually were. I was insignificant to you honey. I see it now, our love was irrelevant. There really are demons out there that knock on heavens door, only to turn their back when she finally opens it for them. But that, my sweet sweet Long Island boy, is the piece of my heart you walk around with. I pray one day you’ll find it in the back pocket of your darkest pair of jeans and use it to love yourself, I gave you the good half because I knew you needed it more than I ever did.

—You Always Did Look Best in White Pants

dont-kill-the-kennedys asked: It's fucking beautiful

Awe thank you! It means a lot that my words are understood by someone and that they aren’t just a mess of incomprehensible feelings.

You see, sometimes I get these flashbacks of your naked body walking away from me, in search of mouthwash to eliminate the lack of innocence before you press your lips to mine again. I wish I had basked in the essence of you tainting me. 
There’s very little we can relate to each other with, we are in fact polar opposites of one another. Pain is uncommon territory for me, but I teared up when I noticed the scar above your lip. You told me the stories of your past and I closed my eyes only to find you, clearer than memories I had of my own childhood. As if my innocence was a direct reflection of the little amount you were able to have. As if I lived a good childhood purely because you lived such a terrible one and a part of mine was spent knowing you were out there living yours.


I can’t honestly tell you why I lay here numb, while still feeling your heart beat inside me nor can I explain why I trusted you with the purest parts of my body.
 What I can tell you, is that it was an honor to lay next to you and watch your mind wander. I don’t think you’re great, or flawless, or anywhere near perfect, you are flawed and understanding your flaws was a specialty of mine.

The brief time you gave me was far more than enough for me to know you were more than just a hookup, more to me than a boyfriend even. You were the beat my heart skipped over on nights when I could hear the rain draining off the rooftop of the house I grew up in. You were the time I got lost in the woods at age 8 with no panic in my heart, the time I fell off my bike at 14 and still continued to ride down that same hill every day after. At 16 when that bus almost hit me in the city, I continued crossing without looking. You were the resilience I carried through high school that kept me from being the person I had been labeled as. You were the reason I said no to the joint as they passed it my way, the reason I picked them up from those parties at two am when they all swore they were sober enough to drive home. You were the faith I had in the world, that I knew someone else would need at some point.
There’s no denying that you know more about her than you ever did me, I can’t pretend I didn’t know more about him after three dates than I knew about you after our entire relationship. But one thing is true, I didn’t need to know a thing about you to know that I loved you and that I loved you long before I met you.
You used to ask me what was wrong as your perfect body hovered over mine, “nothing” would always be my response. You see, nothing was wrong, I was exactly where I wanted to be, forever. Even then, in that state of euphoria I knew my feelings for you were unrealistic. I knew when you said I was the one, we were bound to end. When you’d ask me what was wrong, that was it. I knew it was inevitable that you’d leave, and I’d go on with my life holding these memories of your childhood that we had released into my brain with every kiss that was given.

If I could go back in time, I’d let you give me hickeys, and grow your scruff out so you’d leave your mark. I’d let you kiss me with tainted lips, and I’d make a home out of the scent of your cigarettes. I’d leave the pack in your car, and slip the lighter back in your pocket. I’d choke on you, I’d choke on you, I’d choke on you until I found comfort in you hitting the back of my throat.

I may have had my heart broken by you, but I pity you if you didn’t get to feel what I felt.

—Euphoria

My abandonment issues exist solely because of the fact that you abandoned me. My insecurities exist solely because you did it so effortlessly.

I’ll never date a white girl again, too many bad things.”

I was good, I was the purest thing you’ll ever touch.
You were the first person I’ve ever cursed in front of, the only person I’ve ever trusted enough. 
There’s only one thing I’ve been bad for. You.

There’s a pit in my stomach that turns every time I think of you calling her Princess. A rock caught in the back of my throat, that drops every time I’m reminded that I was never what you wanted. An unavoidable ache in my heart when I realize it was with you, that I felt most beautiful. You who kissed down my arms, the very thing I’ve always been the most self conscious of. Telling me you loved them, telling me to never feel like any part of me isn’t beautiful. 
Look at me now, wishing I could be someone else entirely, wishing there was some way for me to be what you’ve always envisioned me as.
Brown hair. Thin. Beautiful. Asian.
I bet you were pretty disappointed when you realized the curvy blonde white girl with bright blue eyes was destined to be yours. 
You accepted my freckles shown upon my pale skin because you felt fated to me, but it’s clear now what you wished I could be. 
I would do anything in the universe for you but I can’t change my race. Believe me, if I could I would’ve done it by now if it’d mean you would be with me. 
I would’ve driven every back road of Florida to find a piece of it that would make you love it here, the way you loved it when I was wrapped up in your arms and taken by the different shades of brown your eyes began to show as our relationship grew stronger. I would’ve kissed every part of your body in search of the place where my kisses would seep into your soul and make you realize you were capable of far more than your father set you out to achieve.

To hell with innocence, I gave mine all to you. But I am not a bad thing. 
I was good. I was the purest thing you’ll ever touch.

—Purity, Innocence and Lust

Yes I’m ashamed that I hurt you however I’m in a point of my life where I can’t focus on anyone besides myself. In 1-2 years I will be in the military and be based somewhere not in America.”

This directly translates to, “You are a fool Jazzy. In 1-2 months I will be in a new relationship kissing this girl with the same lips I had once trailed down your body. Touching her with the same hands I had once used to push the hair out of your face. Holding her with the same arms you cried in on the floor of your apartment the first time I ever let you down. She will fall just as in love with the birth mark on the right side of my back as you did the first time you traced my spine with your fingertips. I will be loving her the way I was never aloud to love you.

And you? I will leave you to wonder what was wrong with you, wondering why I could not love you. Asking yourself if I give her the same half smile that used to belong to you and I; the one I gave when I would try to resist you and not kiss you, forcing my lips to tremble with just the mere thought of being pressed against yours. I will leave you with all of my empty promises, left to think we had met at the wrong time. I will leave you the fool who thought she had found the soul that connected with her own.

—Brown Eyes

bukoladreamwedding:

“I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.” -The Notebook

bukoladreamwedding:

“I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.” -The Notebook

(via missinyouiskillingme)