You see, sometimes I get these flashbacks of your naked body walking away from me, in search of mouthwash to eliminate the lack of innocence before you press your lips to mine again. I wish I had basked in the essence of you tainting me.
There’s very little we can relate to each other with, we are in fact polar opposites of one another. Pain is uncommon territory for me, but I teared up when I noticed the scar above your lip. You told me the stories of your past and I closed my eyes only to find you, clearer than memories I had of my own childhood. As if my innocence was a direct reflection of the little amount you were able to have. As if I lived a good childhood purely because you lived such a terrible one and a part of mine was spent knowing you were out there living yours.
I can’t honestly tell you why I lay here numb, while still feeling your heart beat inside me nor can I explain why I trusted you with the purest parts of my body.
What I can tell you, is that it was an honor to lay next to you and watch your mind wander. I don’t think you’re great, or flawless, or anywhere near perfect, you are flawed and understanding your flaws was a specialty of mine.
The brief time you gave me was far more than enough for me to know you were more than just a hookup, more to me than a boyfriend even. You were the beat my heart skipped over on nights when I could hear the rain draining off the rooftop of the house I grew up in. You were the time I got lost in the woods at age 8 with no panic in my heart, the time I fell off my bike at 14 and still continued to ride down that same hill every day after. At 16 when that bus almost hit me in the city, I continued crossing without looking. You were the resilience I carried through high school that kept me from being the person I had been labeled as. You were the reason I said no to the joint as they passed it my way, the reason I picked them up from those parties at two am when they all swore they were sober enough to drive home. You were the faith I had in the world, that I knew someone else would need at some point.
There’s no denying that you know more about her than you ever did me, I can’t pretend I didn’t know more about him after three dates than I knew about you after our entire relationship. But one thing is true, I didn’t need to know a thing about you to know that I loved you and that I loved you long before I met you.
You used to ask me what was wrong as your perfect body hovered over mine, “nothing” would always be my response. You see, nothing was wrong, I was exactly where I wanted to be, forever. Even then, in that state of euphoria I knew my feelings for you were unrealistic. I knew when you said I was the one, we were bound to end. When you’d ask me what was wrong, that was it. I knew it was inevitable that you’d leave, and I’d go on with my life holding these memories of your childhood that we had released into my brain with every kiss that was given.
If I could go back in time, I’d let you give me hickeys, and grow your scruff out so you’d leave your mark. I’d let you kiss me with tainted lips, and I’d make a home out of the scent of your cigarettes. I’d leave the pack in your car, and slip the lighter back in your pocket. I’d choke on you, I’d choke on you, I’d choke on you until I found comfort in you hitting the back of my throat.
I may have had my heart broken by you, but I pity you if you didn’t get to feel what I felt.